Thursday, December 30, 2010

There's no reason for me to leave you

'Come on let's go now...', I told Shin and VII.

'What? It's just 9:30 and we're suppose to meet Ryuuka at 10', Shin answered.

'But I don't want us to be late!', I exclaimed.

'Late? Midnight Shift is just a few blocks away from here. We won't be late, right sweetheart?'

VII nodded.

I sighed, 'But still...', and pouted my lips.

VII chuckled, 'Someone's excited'.

Shin smiled, 'Hmm...'

'I'm not excited... just wanna go early', I complained.

Shin smiled again, 'You don't expect us to believe that, right?'

'I talked to XXVII last night and he seems to be in good mood. So, something's up between you two?', VII asked me.

'You got laid!', Shin shouted.

'NO! I didn't', I exclaimed.

'EH???', Shin continued being sarcastic.

'Yes, we did sleep together but...'

'So you got laid!', Shin teased.

'No! I told you no, we just literally sleep together'.

Shin sighed, 'Oh...'

'Sorry to disappoint you', I smirked.

'But still you two are getting okay now?', VII asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, 'He never said I love you back to me...'

Then as I was expecting, we were late. We arrived 15 minutes after ten.

'I told you we'll be late!'

'Sorry... sorry, I miscalculated. But come on, let's get over it and look for Ryuuka', Shin told me as we started to look for him.

We saw him in the bar with his friends. We approached him.

'Hey! I thought you guys wouldn't come over', Ryuuka spoke, 'Anyway, guys... these are my friends from Japan; this is VII, my brother, and this is Shin, his fiancé...'

'Hello there, we're XXVII's friends too', the middle-twenty guy spoke, 'I'm JT, and this is my boyfriend Rage'.

'Hey', the Rage guy uttered.

'And I'm Mikey, nice to meet you all', he looked at me, 'How about him, who's he XXVII?'

Ryuuka held my left hand and kissed it, 'This is Prince...', he looked at me, 'My boyfriend... my lover... my partner... or should just say my life...'

'Oh we finally met you', JT spoke, 'You know ever since we knew XXVII, you're the only one he's been talking about'.

'Actually...', Rage added, 'We kinda know you now... XXVII never stop telling things about you'.

'Don't embarrass me', Ryuuka spoke as he winked at me.

I wasn't saying anything, and I'm pretty sure you guys know why. What the fuck is going on?

'Are you okay?', Ryuuka asked me.

'Prince?', Shin did too.

'I'm good, I just don't know what to say', I uttered.

Drinks came over and we started to drink.

'Do you give XXVII consent?', Mikey asked me.

'What?', I answered.

'I mean open-relationship is totally fine for you?', he cleared.

'Ugh... yeah I think so?', I didn't know what he's saying.

'Wow, you're a great boyfriend indeed. Letting Ryuuka fuck anyone he wants'.

'Ugh... yeah?', I drunk into my beer.

Shin and VII went to the dancefloor. Actually, Shin just forced VII. JT and Rage also danced together, while Mikey hit on someone over the backroom. Ryuuka and I were left alone.

'Ryuuka?', I called his attention.

'Yes?', he said as he sipped on his beer.

'What was that really?'

'What?'

'What was that really?', I repeated.

'No... I got you, but what do you mean?'

'Ugh... why did you introduced me as your boyfriend?'

'Aren't you?', his eyes flickered, and so am I.

'So does this mean... we're...', I can't finish what I want to say.

'No...', he shrugged his head, 'Hmm... let's go outside? It's pretty loud here, I wouldn't be able to explain things clearly to you'.

I nodded and followed him. We went to a coffee shop nearby.

'Is that all that you want?', he asked me.

I nodded.

'Okay... that's all miss', he told the waitress.

'I'll be back in a few minutes', the waitress told him as she left.

'So...', he started, 'Let's clear things first, I told them that you're still my boyfriend, or rather you're my boyfriend. I never told them what happened... anyway, as I was saying, I told them that because I want us to be together again...', he sipped on his coffee, 'Though, don't think that we'll still be the same couple as we once before. I mean I wouldn't be a tail who always follows his master, you know? Or we're like some married couple coz we're not. We're not like those fucking straight people; we're not like your parents. We're queers, and we get together because we want to not because there’s a lock in our doors'.

I nodded, 'Okay, I see... I want something too', I gulped, 'You can fuck whoever you want as long as it's not twice. No names or numbers exchange... and no matter what you're doing or wherever you are... you must come home by 2'.

'Two?', he complained.

'I agreed to all you want. Fair enough if you'll agree to what I want', I winked and continued, 'And you never kiss anyone in the lips but me'.

'Does French kissing can be excluded?'

I shrugged my head, 'That's only for me too...', and smiled.

He stood up and kissed me passionately. People in the coffee shop was staring at us but Ryuuka didn't mind and so am I.

After drinking our coffee, we walk home to his loft. Well he told me to come home with him and again sleep with him. But as we were walking, he suddenly stopped and started to breathe so heavily.

I approached him and tapped his back, 'Ryuuka? What's going on?'

But he didn't answer.

That time, I don't know what to do. I looked around but there's no one that I can seek help from. Then he held my hand and whispered, 'Don't worry I'll be fine'.

I felt that he's burning, 'You're burning!', I exclaimed.

He shrugged his head, 'This will just last for a few minutes tops'. I tried to call VII and Shin to help us but he halted me, 'I just want you', he spoke softly.

And there we were, standing in the street. I was just staring at him, there's nothing I can do but just to look at him and make sure he doesn't fall or break. After the longest ten minutes of my life with Ryuuka, he suddenly can walk straight again. He smiled at me to make me sure that he's okay now.

'Sorry about that', he held my hand as he pull me to walk, 'It happens a lot lately without my control'.

'It's okay', I uttered, 'Is that...'

He nodded, 'Yup. I'll be undergoing surgery next year... with your father'.

I was surprised, I thought father didn't know.

'He knows everything Prince. I just made him swear not tell anyone especially you'.

I pouted my lips, 'I'm gonna get him for this'.

He smiled, 'Let's get going... I'm getting tired'.

We arrived at his loft; he went to the sofa and sat. He also told me to sit beside him and so I did. We just sat there for I think a two hours. We didn't talk, we just listen to each other's heartbeat and breathing. Ryuuka's breathing was so heavy that I want to do anything to make things easier for him but I don't have any clue of what shall I do.

'What are you thinking?', he suddenly spoke.

'Ugh... nothing, I'm just thinking nothing', I told him.

He nodded, 'I see... Prince?'

'Yes?'

'Are you sure... do you really still wanna be with me? After seeing me a while ago'

'I was terrified at first but on the way, it made me more sure to myself so...', I looked at him, 'Yes... I will. Definitely'.

He closed his eyes and laid his head unto my lap, 'Tell me you love me...'

'I love you Ryuuka...'

He smiled.

'Why?', I uttered.

He opened his eyes, 'Huh?'

'Why did you think that I'll leave you if I knew about your sickness?', I fondled his hair.

He sighed.

I waited for him to answer but it seems he wouldn't spill anything and so I continued, 'Is it because you're no longer perfect? You're no longer strong? No longer... what?'

He sat up straight and looked down.

'Ryuuka?'

'Yes', he looked at me, 'Coz I'm no longer perfect... I'm weak and in just few months, who knows... I might be practically dead. Just lying down in the bed all the time'.

'So what? That isn't enough reason for me to leave you'.

'It is enough reason Prince, and besides... I can no longer give you...'

I didn't speak to let him continue.

'Hmm... give you... ple... ugh, pleasure'.

I was surprised, 'Huh?'

'I cannot make love with you anymore...'

'That's hard to believe. Didn't you fuck everything that moves here?'

'Exactly the point... I just fuck here, not make love. You do know the difference, right?'

I nodded.

'I'm sorry...', he sighed.

I grinned.

He looked at me confused.

'I'm versatile; I can be either top or bottom'.

He chuckled. At last for the first time, I saw him happy again.

'Why oh why didn't I think of that?', he continued chuckling.

I smiled and kissed him. I started the steps for making love but he stopped me. I looked at him wondering.

'Please... not now Prince', he fondled my hair, 'I can't hardly breathe'.

I nodded, 'Okay...', and smiled.

‘I love you…’

‘I love you too, Ryuuka...’

Monday, December 27, 2010

Hopes

‘After a long wait,’ I murmured as I heard the chimes jingled, ‘she’s here.’

‘Prince!’ Danielle called out, ‘where are you?’

‘Kitchen,’ I answered.

‘Hey,’ she greeted me with a sweet smile. ‘Oh my...’ she uttered, eyes wide open.

‘Hm?’ I asked while placing some sliced strawberries on top of the mocha cake.

‘He likes mocha cake?’

I nodded and smiled, ‘It’s his birthday today.’

‘That’s why you’ve been bugging me about this book,’ she giggled and gave me the book I’ve written for two weeks. ‘Here’s your present for him,’ and she placed it on top of the desk.

‘Thank you very much, Danielle. Sorry for troubling you a lot...’ I looked at her.

She messed my hair, ‘Best friends forever, remember?’ and she winked.

I chuckled, ‘Yes, you’re right. I hope he likes this...’

‘For sure he will,’ she sounded so heartening, ‘I’ve read everything in it!’

I raised an eyebrow as I glazed the strawberries on top, ‘I already told you for a million times not to read it.’

She yawned, ‘I can’t withstand from reading it.’

I didn’t respond.

‘Are you mad at me?’ she stared at me.

Still, I didn’t respond.

‘I was just kidding, Prince!’ she blurted out. ‘I’m sorry...’

I laughed out loud, ‘I’m just fooling you too, Danielle. Tsk.’

‘Whatever,’ and she laughed too, ‘but can I read it after Ryuuka did?’

I shook my head, ‘It’s just between the two of us.’

‘Why is that? You already revealed of the weirdest stuff you did to him and the other way around in your blog and now you wouldn’t?’ she pouted her lips.

I glanced at her, ‘Do you know that there are two types of love according on how you will bare it?’

‘Two types of love...?’ she murmured and then she shrugged her shoulders.

‘Publicity and Privacy.’

‘Oooh...’ she smiled. ‘You should have taught me about that!’

I smirked and took a cup of coffee I have prepared for her earlier, ‘Anyway, this is my token for helping me for the past few weeks.’

Danielle pouted her lips, ‘What? This is so unfair!’

‘Done!’ I grinned as I finished the cake for Ryuuka.

‘You are so unfair!’ she glared at me.

‘Why is that? Hey, why don’t you drink the coffee I made for you before it gets cold?’

Danielle didn’t respond, she was staring at me like a hungry tigress.

‘Hello?’ I waved a hand in front of her face.

‘The coffee’s already cold, Prince,’ she pouted her lips. ‘You are so unfair!’ and she started to cry like a child.

‘That’s your problem? Tsk,’ I made another cup of coffee for her, ‘Here.’

‘After all the things I have done to you, this is how you will repay me? By just giving me a cup of coffee?’ she wailed.

‘What the hell is your problem?’ I folded my arms.

‘I went here immediately after telling me about your problem with him! I let you stay here in my condominium for almost three weeks and I’m the one who’s freaking preparing your book!’

‘Well, who paid for your trip here in Australia? Who’s paying for the rent for this condominium and who wrote and paid for the book?’ I stared at her fiercely.

‘You...’ she smiled a bit and showed a peace sign slowly. ‘Peace...’

I looked sideways and laughed, ‘Just drink the coffee.’

Danielle nodded and sipped on the coffee, ‘Though I still want to sleep, Prince.’

‘You won’t be sleepy anymore after drinking that coffee,’ I snickered.

‘But it still so early,’ she showed me her wristwatch, ‘it’s just 5 in the morning.’

‘So?’

‘Nothing,’ she giggled.

‘By the way, did you pay the exact amount for the book?’

‘Nope,’ she sipped on the coffee, ‘I paid triple the amount,’ and she chuckled. ‘Good thing they’re open 24 hours.’

I chuckled too and placed the cake in a box.

‘I wonder what his reaction is after he sees you...’

‘Surprised,’ I answered, ‘he knows that I already gave up on him.’

‘Part of the plan,’ she giggled and raised her hand, ‘give me five!’

I smiled and gave her five.

‘You better get going, Prince. You must not miss a chance this day,’ she winked.

I nodded and kissed her on her forehead, ‘Thank you very much, Danielle. Keep in mind that I still owe you something. I’ll call you after this.’

‘I will,’ she giggled. ‘Good luck, Prince!’

‘Thanks again,’ I smiled and already prepared myself.

Around 8 in the morning, I found Danielle already asleep on the counter so I carried her to her room and left a note saying thank you. I hurriedly left the condominium and went to the grocery store. I bought everything that we needed for today. Then, I went to a flower shop and bought a bouquet of tulips. Tsk. I should have brought my car here in Australia or rather bought my own car here. Haha. Kidding. Anyway, I walked down the hood while looking at a small piece of paper where Ryuuka’s apartment. It was so hard for me, obviously because I’m carrying lots of baggage, the book and the cake, I also brought my guitar and at the same time, it was so chilly. Then the small paper I was holding was blown away by the cold wind into the highway...

‘Shit!’ I tried to go after it but someone grabbed me on my arms.

‘You stupid jerk! What the fuck do you think you are doing?’ a familiar voice exclaimed.

I glanced on my side and saw Ryuuka.

‘You okay?’ a middle twenty-guy asked me.

‘Yeah,’ I already faced them, ‘thanks for asking.’

‘You shouldn’t tried to go after it,’ another guy told me.

Ryuuka was stoned for a moment.

‘Hello? XXVII? Still here?’ his friend’s hand waved in front of Ryuuka’s face.

‘Ugh, yes...I’ll go home now. See you around,’ and he started to walk away from us.

‘Already?’ the first guy followed him, ‘We’ll accompany you home.’

Ryuuka just looked at him sternly and then the two guys stopped from following him.

‘Okay. Take care, XXVII,’ the second guy looked back at me and I just smiled at them. I followed Ryuuka to his apartment and I got nervous after using the elevator to the floor of his room. I took a deep breath and knocked three times. I waited for awhile and knocked again. The door opened slowly and I saw Ryuuka staring at me.

‘Hey,’ I smiled at him, though I can’t look straightly into his eyes.

Ryuuka didn’t respond, instead he’d close the door.

‘Wait, Ryuuka...’ I tried to stop him. ‘I’m not here to piss you off again.’

‘Then what the fuck are you doing here?’ he folded his arms.

‘Let’s celebrate your birthday,’ I bit on my lower lip and showed him the bouquet of tulips.

He took the bouquet of tulips and then threw it on the trash bin beside the door. ‘There’s no reason for us to celebrate my fucking birthday. Forget about this day and leave this place!’ he exclaimed as he slammed the door.

I knocked and knocked again until I hold onto the knob and found out that it was open.

‘I’m coming in,’ I told him as I opened the door. Ryuuka was lying on the couch, face hidden with a pillow. I placed the stuff I brought on the dining table and then sat on the end of the sofa Ryuuka was laying too.

‘Have you already eaten your breakfast?’ I asked.

‘It’s none of your business anymore,’ he answered.

‘At least I could ask you as a friend?’

He lowered the pillow down to his nose, ‘Why are you like this?’

‘Huh?’ I looked at him.

He looked at me too then glanced away after a few seconds, ‘Why are you here? Why do you need to bring those stuff to celebrate my birthday?’ he was speaking in low voice.

I was still looking at him.

‘You already gave up on me, right?’ he smirked. ‘Good thing you already did. Tsk.’

I rested my head on the backrest of the couch, ‘If I already gave up on you then I shouldn’t be spending my time with you right now.’ I took a deep breath, ‘But I am already spending my time with you, Ryuuka...’

His eyes widened a bit and he covered his face again with the pillow. Moments of silence, I was just waiting for him to speak up and good heavens, he did.

‘I just went to have coffee with my friends,’ he finally spoke up.

‘Just coffee?’

‘I don’t have the appetite at all. What’s the use anyway if I would...’

‘If you would?’

‘Nothing. Tsk...’

I stood up and went to the kitchen to make some shrimp porridge...

‘Eat this,’ I told him.

‘Eat what?’ his face was still covered with the pillow.

I took the pillow away from him, ‘Shrimp porridge.’

Ryuuka faced the other side.

‘Easily killing yourself, huh?’ I hold onto his chin and faced him to me. I sighed.

‘What?’

‘Please, just eat this,’ I was beseeching.

He was staring at me for a moment and then he already sat down. He took the bowl of porridge and started to eat. I smiled at him and noticed that Molasses was sleeping under the center table. I called him and played with him while Ryuuka was eating.

‘Wow, he’s heavier now...’ I uttered while caressing Molasses’ back.

Ryuuka simply nodded.

‘I bought some stuff for him too,’ I smiled.

‘Really? Thanks...’

‘Go down now, Moly...’ I told Molasses, as if he could really understand me. ‘Milk?’

Ryuuka looked at me then he licked his lips like a cat. I chuckled then he raised an eye brow.

‘Oh, sorry about that. You’re just so cute...’ I was still chuckling.

He didn’t respond and continued eating, ‘Where’s my milk?’

‘My milk?’ I laughed out loud.

‘You perverted bastard,’ he uttered.

‘Kidding,’ I snickered, ‘here you go...’

He gulped onto it, ‘I want some more.’

I nodded and poured some more milk. After eating, I really don’t know how to start the conversation. Like what I have said before, I still can’t look at his eyes. He was looking at me but I really can’t look at him. Tears were already forming on my eyelids as my heart beat faster. Out of the blue, I just hugged him as we both fell down on the couch. I was on the top, frozen for a few moments. Then, I started crying…

‘Ugh,’ Ryuuka mumbled.

I didn’t respond, instead I just hugged him tightly.

‘Hey,’ he was like pushing me away from him, ‘stop crying, will you?’

I shook my head, still crying.

‘The fuck,’ he sighed, ‘stop now.’

‘I miss you terribly, Ryuuka!’ I exclaimed, ‘Why did you left me just like that? Why didn’t you tell me about your fucking ailment? Why didn’t you tell me the first place?’

He didn’t respond.

‘Make things easier, huh? By not seeing me again? Do you think that’s the only way to make things easier?’ I sniffed. ‘Are you really that stupid? Didn’t you think that things will be more miserable without me? I am your lover, I am your partner, I am your life! I am your companion in everything you do, thus I have the right to now! Your problem is also my problem and the other way around!’

He wasn’t still responding.

‘I’m sorry if I became childish and ignorant…’ I wiped my tears. ‘It was very hard for me to see myself without you by my side…and I know it’s hard for you too handling it all by yourself.’ My voice lowered down, ‘You are my life, Ryuuka and there is no reason for me to left you,’ and I continued crying.

Then, I just felt that his hands moved to my back and he was already hugging me too.

‘Stop crying,’ he mumbled.

But I can’t stop.

‘Stop crying coz I don’t know to make you stop,’ he smirked.

‘I can’t...’ I sniffed.

‘I didn’t know that aside from being a spoiled brat, you’re a cry baby too,’ he chuckled. ‘I thought that the only cry baby here is Shin.’

‘You already called me a cry baby before,’ I chuckled softly. ‘You already forgot?’

‘I think so?’ he smirked, ‘I don’t know.’

‘Did you try to ask some help from my father?’ I asked. ‘For sure he could help you. He’s your personal doctor, right?’

‘Geez, you’re asking questions without any hesitation, huh? Tsk,’ he sighed. ‘It’s too risky.’

‘Risks are sometimes worth taking after all. I’ll be by your side, no matter what...’ I kissed him on his ear. ‘I need your love forever...’ I whispered, ‘Please be with me again, Ryuuka...I love you so much...’

He fondled my hair, ‘Oh how could I survive without your love...’ and started to chant the song he sang to me in our first monthsary until I fell asleep.

I woke up at around 3 in the afternoon and Ryuuka fell asleep too. I slowly stood up and covered him with a blanket. I went to the kitchen and prepared our lunch. He was still asleep so I just cleaned everything that seemed so messy. I washed the beddings, coz I don’t want to leave him and I also placed some groceries inside the fridge and in the cupboard. After doing all these things, I took an XBOX 360 outside my bag, (yeah, I also brought a bag with me) and played some of the games Ryuuka and I played before.

‘My turn,’ Ryuuka uttered

I looked at him while he was rubbing his eyes, ‘What?’

‘My turn,’ he sat down beside me on the floor, ‘you’re already dead, right?’ and took the joystick from me.

‘Ah?’ I scratched my head.

‘You slow poke,’ he smirked and started playing.

‘Fine?’ I murmured. ‘Anyway, are you hungry? I already prepared our lunch.’

He was so focused on the game he was playing so I just initiated to get the food for us.

‘I’ll leave this here,’ I told him as I placed his meal on the center table and sat again.

He wasn’t still responding so...

‘Do you want me to spoon feed you?’

He looked at me and then he continued playing.

‘Nice talking,’ I smirked and ate my food.

‘I’ll just eat later. I missed playing this.’

I nodded and smiled. Hell yeah, he missed the game starting at around 3 in the morning and ended at 8 in the evening, without eating and drinking anything.

‘I’m still fucking good,’ he chuckled sinisterly.

‘I’m better,’ I countered while preparing our dinner. ‘You better eat now.’

He went to the dining area and sat down.

‘Here you go,’ I smiled as I placed his meal in front of him.

‘You did buy lots of stuff, didn’t you?’ he smirked.

I nodded and opened the box of cake.

‘What’s that?’ he started eating.

‘Your birthday cake,’ I smiled and showed him the cake, ‘Mocha cake with strawberries on top.’

He sighed and shifted his gaze on the other side, ‘I’m disappointed, very disappointed.’

‘Ugh,’ I got so nervous this time, ‘ugh, I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be happy because I know you like Mocha Cake.’

‘Everything changes.’

‘I’m really really sorry,’ I kept the cake inside the box again. ‘I’ll just throw this away,’ I carried the box of cake and made my way out of the dining area.

‘Are you the one who baked it?’ he suddenly asked.

I stopped walking, ‘Yes.’

Then he laughed out so loud.

I turned around and looked at him.

‘I was just kidding,’ he was still laughing. ‘Slice a piece for me.’

I smiled and hurriedly sliced a cake for him, ‘Eat well.’

He nodded. He easily finished the cake first and then he continued eating the remaining food.

‘What’s that anyway?’ he asked, pointing to the book.

‘A present for you,’ I answered while watching him eat.

‘Really?’ he’d get it but I stopped him from doing it.

‘Read it after I leave you.’

He smirked, ‘I told myself so, you’ll leave me too.’

‘What?’ I raised an eye brow. ‘Do you want me to stay here all night long?’ and smiled at him sweetly.

He didn’t respond.

‘See,’ I caressed his cheek, ‘you don’t even want me too. It’s alright, I understand.’

He wasn’t still responding.

‘I hope you like it,’ I added.

Until he finished eating, he wasn’t still speaking to me.

‘I’ll go now,’ I patted him on his back. ‘Take care of yourself, alright? I’ll visit you again,’ and laid a short kiss on his lips. ‘I love you...happy birthday again, Ryuuka.’ I smiled and left his room. I sighed and left his apartment already. I walked off and...

‘Hey!’

I looked back and saw Ryuuka standing in front of the double doors. He showed his index finger and he was like signalling me to come closer.

‘Hey,’ I drew closer, ‘do you need something?’

‘Don’t you leave like that, understand?’

‘Huh?’

‘Don’t leave as if I won’t say a thing.’

‘What?’

He heaved a sigh, ‘Will you just sleep with me?’

‘What...?’ my heart was leaping.

‘Are you really that deaf?’ his eye twitched, ‘I’m asking you to sleep with me tonight.’

I was speechless.

‘Yes or no?’ he stared at me.

I nodded, ‘Sure, I will.’

‘Tsk,’ he folded his arms and headed on to his room while I was just following him. ‘You forgot your guitar,’ he told me as he opened the door.

‘Ah, yeah...’ I scratched onto my head, ‘I’m sorry...’

‘Don’t you have any word to say aside from ‘sorry’?’ he smirked and went to his room.

‘Sorry,’ I snickered and followed him inside.

He sighed and started to set his bed.

‘I’ll just sleep on the floor.’

‘Who told you so?’ he glared at me.

‘I...I just-‘

‘I asked you to sleep with me,’ his tone became different, ‘sleep beside me.’

My eyes widened, ‘Beside you?’

He nodded.

I took a deep breath, faced the other side and smiled.

‘What are you doing?’

I shook my head and smiled, ‘Thank you...’

‘Thank you for what?’ and he already lay down.

‘Thank you for letting me sleep with you...’

He was just looking at me and he covered himself with a blanket. I got my guitar and sat at the rear end of the bed. I sang, even though Ryuuka was not looking at me.

I won’t talk
I won’t breathe
I won’t move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think

I don’t look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I’m attached to you
I’m weak
Its true
Cuz Im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that’s true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don’t know

What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I’m afraid to move

I’m weak
Its true
I’m just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that’s true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go I’ll be on my way to you
The way that’s true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that’s true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

After singing, I just left my guitar on the nook and already lay down. I hugged Ryuuka, leaning my forehead on his back.

‘The time that you slept with me early this morning, was also the first time that I slept comfortably again since I left,’ he mumbled.

I hugged him tightly.

‘I wanted to sleep tonight as comfortably as I did early this morning,’ he paused for a moment, ‘with you.’

‘I love you so much...’

Saturday, November 27, 2010

You're Crazy, Ryuuka - Prince

'So, what shall we do now Prince? Are we going to piss Ryuuka again?', I asked.

Prince shurgged his head, 'We'll take a break today and tonight. But tomorrow, we will again', he grinned.

'Right...', I look at Laurence who just went out of our room, 'Wow... you're pretty dressed sweetheart, do we have an unschedule date? Prince said we don't have to go and irritate Ryuuka', I smiled sweetly.

But Laurence looked like he's not paying attention to whatever I'm saying and so I approached him and held on to his hands, 'Laurence? You okay?', I asked.

Prince looked at Laurence, 'Are you sick?'

Laurence sighed, 'No... I'll just go outside and stroll around. I want to do some sight seeing'.

'Great, I'll come with you', I told him.

He looked at me, 'Alone...'

I pulled away, 'Everything okay? Are we okay?', I hesitantly asked.

Laurence nodded, 'I just need some time alone if that's fine'.

I wondered but then I said, 'Yeah yeah sure, go ahead...'

'Thank you, just message if me something's wrong', he said as he went off.

'All right that's weird', Prince spoke.

'Yeah...'

'Did you do something wrong Shin?'

'No... no'.

'Are you sure?'

I looked at Prince.

'Right... maybe he wasn't satisfied to your performance last night?', he chuckled.

'Shut up, we didn't do it', I answered.

'Oh?', he grinned, 'Then maybe he's seeing someone else...'

'What?', I exclaimed.

'CHILL! I was just kidding... man, come on!', Prince quipped.

'Don't you ever joke that way...'

'Yeah yeah... I apologize', Prince mumbled.

Time passed by so swiftly that Prince and I didn't discern that it's already dinner time.

'Where's Laurence?', I asked.

'He said...'

'I know... but is strolling around will eat all your time?'

Prince shrugged his shoulder, 'I'm starving... let's eat now please?'

'You go ahead, I'll wait for him'. Then someone opened up our door and it was Laurence. I almost jump out of my feet and greeted him, 'Hey sweetheart!'

Laurence was speechless.

'Laurence?', I greeted him again.

'Oh... hey', he said, 'Were you saying something?'

'I was just greeting you'.

'Right... I'll take my shower', he said as he started to walk.

I grabbed his wrist, 'You don't look like you're okay'.

'I'm okay... I'm just tired, I walked and walked around the city. Photograph some nice sceneries'.

I nodded.

He pulled his wrist back, 'If you don't mind'.

'How about dinner?'

'Not hungry'.

Laurence went inside the bathroom and I sit with Prince who was just looking at us a while ago.

'He seems like he's not okay', Prince told me.

'Obviously', I answered.

'Well you better leave him alone...'

'Huh?'

'You see... he's like pushing you away, that means he doesn't you to hang around with him for now. Maybe give him some time, perhaps he really does need some time alone. Don't be a nagger'.

I nodded.

Then Prince opened the television, 'Let's watch some news...'

I nodded.

Laurence went out of the bathroom, 'Shin... if it's okay, would you sleep with your cousin tonight? Just for tonight'.

'Ugh...', I mumbled.

'Sure he doesn't mind, right Shin?', Prince looked at me.

'Yeah yeah...', I nodded.

'Thank you', Laurence uttered and entered our room.

'Prince?'

'Don't be a nagger', he repeated his advice.

After watching a few movies, Prince and I decided to go to sleep. But I told him that I want to see Laurence first. I went to our room and I saw him asleep in our bed. I glanced at him and kissed his lips. As I was to go out, I saw his laptop still opened and I looked at it. There was draft e-mail that is sent to XV's address. I read his message:

Hey XV.

I saw Leader a while ago and he's completely destroyed. I learned that he is sick. This is the full scenario how I knew.

I went out this morning because the last time I saw XXVII. He's face was like puzzled. I can't really distinguished what he's really thinking or feeling so that's why I looked out for him. It was 10 in the morning here when I saw him eating at the diner. I approached him.

'Hey XXVII', I greeted him.

'Hey VII', he greeted me back, 'Where's your lover and your friend?'

I sat opposite to him, 'I left them in the hotel'.

He nodded, 'Is there anything you need from me?'

I smiled, 'I wish we could talk. Just the two of us, brother'.

'There's nothing we should talk about'.

I nodded, 'I see... do you have plans today?'

'Tonight'.

'Oh, so you could tour me?'

'Why don't you just hire a tour guide?'

I chuckled, 'Can't you?'

He sighed. After eating, we went out, 'So where do you wanna go VII?'

'To the mall'.

He chuckled, 'That's a tourist spot?'

I smiled, 'So, how is it going?', we started to walk.

'Nothing much'.

'Aren't you going to ask about The Numbers?'

He smirked, 'So, how's The Numbers doing?'

'Never the same'.

He nodded, 'You should lead them VII'.

We came accross a bench and we sat there, 'I can never lead them the way you lead us'.

'Well... you should learn how to be me then'.

I shrugged my head, 'You're Ryuuka Shuuichi for fuck sake, no body can ever be like you'.

He chuckled, 'Thank you Arthur Miller'.

I sighed, 'XXVII...'

'Remember when one of The Numbers died before and while all of you were griefing. I told everyone that instead of sulking... we should party and celebrate because he's dead?'

I nodded, 'You said, everyone's eventually going to die so we shouldn't be surprise and besides, he was suffering so much from his cancer and perhaps it's nature's will to finally end it'.

'Yup, everyone was mad at me that time'.

'Who wouldn't be? I was pissed too'.

'I know'.

'Why are yoy saying this Leader?'

'I'm no longer your leader so stop calling me that'.

'You are still and will always be'.

'A lot of things used to be', he said as he lit a cigar.

I looked at me and he looked at me too.

'I shouldn't said what I said that day...'

'It's too late to realize that you know'.

He nodded.

'But not that you were wrong... you were absolutely right, everyone of us will eventually die', I uttered as I Iit a cigar too, 'It was just the way you said it'.

'But still... I shouldn't have said that'.

'Then why didn't you?', I blew my smoke.

He blew his smoke too, 'Maybe because I didn't know that I was dying that day'.

I looked at him, 'What?', and exclaimed.

'You'll gonna make me say it twice?', he blew his smoke.

'I just want to be sure that I...'

'You heard it'.

'Shit! Fuck!', I threw my cigarette butt, 'Why didn't you tell me... us?'

'I didn't tell it to anyone'.

'So why are you telling me now?'

'So you could forgive me for running away just like that. Putting you all the responsibility I left'.

I sighed, 'You son of a bitch...'

He smiled, 'Thank you'.

'What is it? How? Tell me everything'.

He sighed, 'Just promise me... never say anything to Prince'.

I nodded.

'It was my last mission in Singapore that I got this'.

'That was a success mission, right?'

'It was... but somehow, they injected me something. It's a drug, still unknown... that will slowly eat all my reflex muscle and soon will make my body numb. I won't feel anything, then... after the drug will go up to my brain and suck up all my neurons'.

'That means...'

He nodded, 'That's right... I'll soon be paralyzed. After my body became numb, it will be paralyzed. I wouldn't be able to move, feel or do anything... I'll be practically dead. As the drug continues it's adventure in my body, and go to the finish line, my heart will stop pumping blood and just like a snap, I'll be a cold corpse'.

'Fuck...', I held on my forehead.

'Come on VII... don't look like you're disappointed'.

'XXVII!', I exclaimed.

'By the way, as the drug is circulating in my body... it does something else'.

'What is it?'

He looked at me and smirked, 'It's hideous but it's the truth... I lost interest in sex'.

'Huh?', I wondered.

'My chances are 20:80'

'20 is?'

'My chance of staying alive'.

'No fucking way!'

He smiled, 'Anyway... you wanna go to the mall right? Just walk straight there and you'll see a mall', and stood up.

'Where you going?', I asked.

'Home... I'm getting tired', he said as he left me.

I walked down the aisle and follow his instruction. I spend an hour in the mall doing nothing. I kept thinking about him, and so I rode a taxi and went to his place.

I knocked and knocked at his door. I knocked about ten times, 'XXVII! XXVII! XXVII!'.

Finally, his door opened. I looked at him shocked, 'Jesus...'

'Why are you here?', he asked with a very weak voice.

'We just parted ways about an hour ago and... you look like shit'.

He sighed.

'You should be in bed', I told him.

'I was... but, someone kept knock knock knocking at my fucking door!', he exclaimed.

I went to his kitchen.

'What are you doing?', he asked.

'I'm making you some soup', I answered as I opened his fridge and saw nothing, 'There's nothing in here but beers and poppers'.

'All the essentials', he uttered.

'Well...', I grabbed a pen and a paper, 'I'll stock up some groceries for you and while I'm here, I'll do your laundry...'

'VII...'

'Is there anything you request? You like bacon right? Anymore cravings? Mushroom soup?'

'VII...'

'Oh! Mocha cake?'

'VII!', he yelled.

I stopped and looked at him.

'This is exactly why I didn't want anyone to know, that's why I left and fucked everyhthing in Japan so you guys would be mad at me and will forget about me and the hopes that I will not be treated like I'm invalid or ineffective or weak or I was gonna die!', he exclaimed as he was catching for his breath.

I was speechless.

'So would you get out of here!', he yelled as he threw everything that was in his kitchen table.

I just stared at him, he started to walk slowly towards his bedroom and then I followed him. As I entered his bedroom, I saw him covering his face with a pillow. I sat on his bed and removed it without saying a word.

'What don't you understand about fuck off?', he told me.

'You think you can kick me out of your life like what you did to Prince? And for what... trying not to let on that he knew because that's what you wanted? He deserves to know... he's your lover, you are still his partner whether you want to admit it or not'.

He was not saying anything.

I continued, 'Sick or not, that's a fucking shitty way to treat him'.

'I was only... trying to make it easier', he whispered.

'By never seeing him again?'

'He would left sooner or later anyway, might as well be sooner!', he exlcaimed.

'What are you...', he didn't let me finished.

'Would you just go home!', he shouted at me, 'Go home VII, go home... to your wife and your friends! Leave me alone!', and pushed me hard that I stumbled out of his bed.

I tried to talk to him again but I realize that I shouldn't push my luck anymore and so I left him there lying in his bed alone and enduring all the pain alone. I actually don't know what to do now, I don't know if I should tell Prince about our Leader's condition. Please tell me what to do.

As I finished reading his e-mail, I heard Laurence's voice, 'What are you doing here?'

I looked at him, 'In law's... dying?'

'You have no permission looking at my private stuff'.

'I know but I was just worried, I thought I did something wrong and...'

'You looked at my laptop and read my letter for my sister?'

I sighed, 'I'm sorry Laurence...', and looked down.

'Get out'.

I was shocked and looked at him, 'What did you say?'

'I said get out of this room. Didn't I tell you that I want to spend some time alone?'

'Laurence...'

'Please!', he exclaimed and turned his back to me.

'Prince needs to know!', I exclaimed, 'You said it yourself, he deserves to know...'

He faced, 'Not anymore!'

'What should I know?'

I looked at the door and it was Prince.

'Fuck', Laurence whispered.

'What should I know?', Prince repeated.

And before I reveal the truth, Laurence did.

'Your lover is dying...'

Prince's eyes widened, 'What?'

Laurence explained everything to Prince and even let him ready his e-mail for XV.

'Do you understand Prince?', Laurence asked.

'He kicked me out'.

'Because he doesn't want you to see him in his present condition'.

Prince shrugged his head, 'I don't understand, why will he think that I will leave him?'

'Of all people, you should know better... he thinks that now he's sick, he's dying, that he's no longer perfect... you won't love him anymore. That you'll going to leave him'.

'That's crazy'.

'Prince listened to me... Being young, being the strongest, being wise all the time, being beautiful... being perfect in all ways of life is what being Ryuuka Shuuichi means and if you take that all away...', Laurence sighed, 'Understand what he's going through right now'.

Prince didn't say a word and left our room. He went to his room and locked himself.

'Laurence...'

'Not now Shin', Laurence told me as he went to the veranda and lit his cigar.

I didn't follow him anymore and instead went to our room and sleep. We were all on our selves alone.