It has been four days since I got this anxiety attack as well as the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), as told by dad after I had hard time breathing that lasted for almost 10 minutes and then passed out while having a conversation with Shin last Saturday morning. It was so terrifying, as if I was really going to die that time. I was brought into my father’s clinic and as soon as he checked up on me, he told the other family members about this disorder.
For four days, I was bored to death inside my room, doing nothing. Though sometimes, I go out and spent my time in the living room. My dad advised me not to do and think about different things that may hinder my recovery. Dad asked me about what I was really thinking over and over again for the past weeks and I frankly told him that I was thinking of you. The problem that we had, oh rather the problem I have with you. Situations like you’re going to leave me and everything. Those lingered in my mind for the past weeks. I also told him that I kept on checking my phone and my mails every hour. This resulted to that OCD, an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. Moreover, anxiety disorders also suffer from depression at some point. Anxiety and depression are believed to stem from the same biological vulnerability.
Definitely, I am really suffering from this disorder. I experienced various symptoms on anxiety attacks like having hyperventilation, hot flashes and chills, chest pains, trouble in breathing, passing out and the feeling of being detached and unreal in four days. Also, dad gave me medications like injecting benzodiazepines and serotonin-reuptake inhibitors. A bed rest for 5 to 7 days was also included. Can you, guys, imagine how vulnerable I am now? Sorry for sounding pitiful but it’s the reality. I didn’t imagine that I would get this kind of disorders for I know I am healthy. But still, good heavens, I survived all of these.
Anyway, this can’t be helped but I kept on thinking why are you not visiting me? Don’t you know how bad my situation was? Are you mad at me? Don’t you care about me anymore? Don’t you love me like the way you did? Damn! I hate this kind of feeling. I’m getting worse, I guess. I’m getting headaches and stuff. I even lost 2 KGs. But what can I do? I wanted to see you badly now. Kiss you and hug you. Tell you that I love you so much and hear from you that you love me too. Perhaps, I’d hear that after a decade. I don’t know what you feel nor what you want to do but...oh, I am sorry. I am being dramatic here.
I am still thankful that my cousin, Shin was there to cheer me up, of course with VII somehow, but it’s nothing compare to how you cheer me up. With just the way call my name and smile at me, that...that really takes my breath so easily.
Shin was so worried about me that he did lots of things, stupid things and VII kept on reprimanding him that he should stay put for me not be stressed too much. Thanks about that, VII, Shin thanks to you too. Sorry about the comparing thing. I know you’d understand.
And with that, I remembered the song Your Call by Secondhand Serenade. I favored Shin to sing it for me while VII played the guitar.
Waiting for your call, call I’m sick, call I’m angry
Call I’m desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, it’s you remember?
Butterfly, Early Summer
It’s playing on repeat, just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet
Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to
To make you mine
Stay with me tonight
Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
When you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes,
What’s your fantasy?
Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
And I am tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
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